VICKYLOVE

I’m so confused right now. I feel so…

…betrayed.

I’m not stupid, I know that I’m not the only person who is important in Erik’s life, but seriously? After all the promises he’s broken, I really think I’m stupid for letting myself be led on anymore. I deserve to be treated better.

He makes it sound like I always get my way. If I had my way, I wouldn’t be alone all the time. If I had my way, I wouldn’t care about someone who can’t put me first.

It’s not fair, because I think of him in all the decisions I make. I base my whole fucking DAY around him, try to be online when it fits into his schedule so he has someone to vent to.

We’ve been married, at this point, for 450 days, and have spent 35 of those days together.

I’m sorry, but is it my fault that I feel like I deserve more? Is it wrong that I’m asking for more than 8 days out of his entire month off? Is it wrong for me to want at least half of that time? Is it wrong that I believed him when he promised he’d spend Christmas at home with me?

I literally have not gone one SINGLE day in this past year without thinking about him. The longest I have gone without crying over him is two days, and I think that’s only happened THREE TIMES during this entire deployment. I’m the one who has to sit and listen while he cusses at me and criticizes me for everything, every day. I’m the one who’s been on the receiving end of his bad moods, I’m the one who’s tried to hide it - all the times I’ve had to wear shades to school or two a family party, or cake on the concealer, or pretend I had allergies, all so I wouldn’t have to tell people that he had hurt me again, because I didn’t want anyone to think he was being anything other than perfect to me.

Can anyone else say that? Can anyone else say that they’ve jumped through all these hoops for him?  Has anyone else he knows taken all the verbal bashings, cried to the point of nausea?

My blood pressure for most of the year has consistently been higher than 145/90, and I’ve spent most of the year trying to convince everyone I’m fine. I’m not.

I don’t know what to do. He acts like I ask SO much of him — all I ask of him is whatever time he can give, even if a lot of the time we spend together, he’s hurting me. I’m scared to ask him for anything anymore, because ANY time that I tell them that I need something, or that something he’s doing is hurting me, he gets angry. I don’t WANT to ask him for anything, because he always holds it against me.

I’m not happy anymore. I haven’t been for a long time. All I want is to be happy again.