VICKYLOVE

I know, it sucks that I’m blogging again. I make it seem like I have so many issues, and maybe I do - but today is just really hard on me and being alone gives me too much time to think.

I hate the part when it finally hits me that my “normal life” and getting to spend time with Erik are two separate things. I know I’m doing this for our future, because this is the way I know how to save up and concentrate and try to build something outta nothing. I know I’m putting myself through this for a reason, but sometimes, I want to just go back to how things were in high school, when Erik and I got to see each other all the time, and he used to bring me Quizno’s when I was working on a newspaper story or an important paper or something. I miss the way we used to be able to randomly text or call each other and ask “Hey, are you busy? Wanna go to the mall or go get ice cream?”

Now I just go back to throwing myself into schoolwork, pretending I’m okay but really, I’m too tired to actually realize how awful I’m always feeling. Everything just goes back to how it always is, and Erik’s not around and it just feels like I’m stuck between these two completely different lives that never seem to fit together.

I hate saying goodbye to him. I hate goodbyes, period. It’s just so much pain and sadness and wishing for more time and wanting things to be different. I hate sitting at the gate at the airport waiting for my plane, even though I don’t really wanna be away from him.

I think I’m constantly hurt because every day, I constantly hope for a miracle - I constantly hope he’ll just miraculously call and for some reason, he’ll be able to come home. every day I hope for miracles and they don’t happen and sometimes it hurts to keep hoping. Sometimes I wanna tell myself to stop being stupid and accept that things have to be this way and nothing can change it right now.

But I guess that’s what happens when you really want something - you keep hoping and wishing and praying for it, even when you know it doesn’t make sense anymore. I keep wanting something to just happen, even if I need to make it happen, that would get Erik out of the military and back home. If I could find a way, I would. I really would. Even if it meant me getting hurt in the process, I would.

I know it sounds overdramatic, but every time we have to say bye at the airport or something, I feel like we’re losing each other. We get to spend a matter of days being happy together, and there’s this life that I know we both want dangled in front of us, and we’re happy for a while - and then it’s just yanked away. I hate that I hurt so much and cry so much, and I don’t want to cry so much because I know it hurts him, and it makes him feel bad because he doesn’t like hurting me.

But I can’t change how I feel and that is what it comes down to.

Some people my age have simple lives - they go out with their friends, they go to class and go to work, they party, and things just seem to go so much smoother. My life, I do the same thing every day and yet everything feels so unstable because I can’t predict when I’m gonna feel depressed and lose my concentration, I don’t know when Erik’s going to be home, I don’t know whether or not he’ll be too tired to get in touch with me on any given day. Every time I see him he has all these cuts and bruises and scratches and I know it’s normal for them but I’m a wife and I don’t like thinking of anything happening to him.

I know my thoughts are all over the place. I can’t even keep track of how I feel - sad, mad, hopeful, hopeless…